Ssssssh!!!

ADVERTISEMENT: ‘The Secrets of Secretio ‘Sec-Sec’ Secrete’s Super-Secret Style of Secret Eskrima’, priced £12.95 in all good book-shops.

Secretio Secrete is a legend in the world of Filipino/ Philippine Eskrima-Escrima-Kali-Arnis-de-Mano-Dumog-Panantukan-Pangumot-Pananjakman-Pacman-Space-Invaders-Karaoke. He earned his reputation as a formidable warrior during WWII, when he took out the entire Japanese air force by throwing kamagong sticks at their ‘planes. For years he taught his Super-Secret Style of Secret Eskrima in secret, disguising the true purpose of his back-yard dojo by dressing his students as Morris Dancers. Now, Brad Suckmaster, the only Westerner graded to Black Belt by Secretio apart from all the others, has revealed all in this book of beautifully photographed secret techniques with wonderfully clear secret instructions.

For the first time you can learn the secrets of this deadliest of fighting arts from the comfort of your own home, instead of wandering around downtown Cebu in a Manny Pacquiao T-shirt that might as well say ‘White Boy who Can’t Find the Way Back to His Hotel’.

Learn:

Sticks
Knives
Sticks and Knives
Knives and Sticks
The 1 angle of attack (over the head from behind)
Authentic FMA terminology (how to say ‘That is crap, oh!’ with authentic pronunciation in English, Spanish and whatever the other one is)
How to stitch your fingers back on after balisong practice
Why Super-Secret Secret Eskrima is better and more authentic than all the other indistinguishable styles of FPEELAdMDPPPPSIK that were created by Secretio’s brothers and his next door neighbour

This ultimatest of martial arts is at last available for you to learn. Just don’t tell anyone!