My Sensei's Bigger than your Sensei

In this life there are few certainties - death, taxes, the boyfriend of the heartbreakingly beautiful woman you get talking to on the tube… but the most tragic certainty of all is martial arts politics. Turf wars, lineage disputes, rows about technical points like the most effective method of bleeding to death in a knife fight, these debates have been going on (and on) since the first caveman watched his colleague spear a woolly mammoth and said 'yes, but would it work in the street?'

Well, no more. Did Tang Lang base Praying Mantis Kung Fu on a fight between a mantis and a cicada? Or was it a mantis and a badger? Was Bruce Lee the hardest man in show business or would Arthur Askey have totally owned him? Is that instructor across the street running a McDojo, or are you just bitter because he has a cooler uniform than you? All of these questions can now be answered definitively, thanks to my new approach to martial arts conflict resolution: My Sensei's Bigger Than Your Sensei™, an innovative programme nonetheless steeped in tradition, passed down from generation to generation of my family for, oooh, minutes.

The rules of MSBTYS™ are as follows:

• One representative of each side of the dispute is to meet at the kids’ paddling pool in Bishop's Park, Fulham, on a Sunday morning. No other martial artists are to be present, except me as referee.
• I will start by asking two questions about the dispute: 'Has someone had their hand in the till?' and 'Has somebody been fiddling with children?'
• If the answer to either question is 'yes' I will give both of them a slap and say 'Then why are you slagging each other on Bullshido when you should be calling the police?'
• If both questions are answered in the negative we will proceed as follows.
• Each contestant is to dress up in a Brownie uniform and wig of blonde ringlets.
  The first contestant must then attract the attention of the assembled mums and toddlers before putting their case in one sentence, in words that the toddlers can understand, preceded by the phrase 'My Sensei says…' For example, 'My Sensei says that rolling around on the floor is, like, totally gay and rubbish. Hitting people standing up is way cooler.'
• The second contestant must phrase their rebuttal with similar terminology and similar brevity, prefaced by the phrase 'I don’t care right, I don't care right, because my Sensei says…'
• Each contestant will then be given an empty plastic handbag. On my whistle they will hit each other with the handbags while yelling 'Get off me, you brute, you brute, you brute!' continuously for a minute.
• At the end of the minute I will ask the least interested-looking toddler to ask her My Little Pony to pick a winner.
• My Little Pony's decision is final.
• All proponents of the winning side of the dispute will be required to train in pink gis, with the legend 'Mummy's Special Little Princess' emblazoned across the back in mauve lettering, for a minimum of three years.
• Each proponent of the losing side of the dispute will be required to post a single message on the 'Martial Arts BS' forum on http://bullshido.net, saying 'it's just a hobby' 400 times.
• Any subsequent attempt by anyone ever to raise the issue again is to be met by all right-thinking martial artists with blocked ears and a resounding cry of 'La la la I am not listening to the freak'.
  

My Sensei's Bigger Than Your Sensei™. It's the ultimate ultimate fighting contest. You might even say ultimater, or ultimatest.